Talk about a shot to the manhood. It really makes me sick...physically sick to my stomach. I mean What the fuck dude. I put so much time and effort in and there it is...my failure...staring me in the face...I can't begin to express how it feels. I don't lose. I should have known it was a lost cause...everyone said so from the start. That just fueled me to push harder. I can't handle it...I can't handle seeing this happen in front of me. I want to go into a coma and not wake up until its over and a new opening shows up. I have this fear that it is legit...that it is set in stone for the near future. How can I face my peers who expect so much of me? I face ridicule for failing at the most basic of our natures. I guess I'm no worse than them, but I hold myself to a better standard than this. I really hope this is just a terrible dream...and soon I'll wake up and it'll be normal.
Its for the best honestly. I have been strapped down in this deadbeat town, in this deadbeat house, with these deadbeat people for way too long...and it was my main reason for staying. I guess my friend was right when he said we should all get together before we're spread across the US.
I'm supposed to leave. I should have already gotten the ball rolling a while back, but I've been so tied to this one goal that it took top priority over everything. everything? everything. Nothing surpassed it. I have a dream of what I should do, I have a realistic vision of what I should do, and I have what certain people want me to do. The Second and Third can be combined and the First and Second can likely be combined. Enough of that.
I don't understand why that can't be me
It's destroying me
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